Apr 4, 2011

Future: Uncertain.

Tonight is the second night I've been kept awake. You should turn away from this. My brain is all over the place. Need to sort it out.

Dad's gout kicked in. His body is warm, his right wrist if painful and he can't stand without assistance. That leaves me to help him anyway I can.

Last Thursday, he fell backwards an the floor and cut his right toe on the edge of the door. He just suddenly lot his balance, like he was light-headed. I can't explain this better other than illustrating this for you, but I'll try. The tip of his big toe was cut, it's not deep but the skin became loose in a kind of circular shape. It bled like hell. That's bad news in itself, but my dad is 70 years old, diabetic and has high blood pressure. A disaster. A small cut that bleeds will take ages to heal. Managed to get the bleeding to slow and stop but the bandages got wet because of his frequent trips to the toilet. My head is bursting with the possibility of the wound getting infected. Took him to the doctor with my brother and he said he'll need frequent dressing change. Dad got a tetanus shot, antibiotics and some anti-bacterial cream. This was the second accident in March.

Last Saturday, idiot that I am I bought him some food (rice and chicken cooked in some kind of sauce) for lunch. I was out with my brother for some grocery shopping and I was worried he'd be hungry because he was waiting so long for us. I didn't taste the gravy. It probably contained some sesame oil because later that evening dad complained of pain in his wrist. I got an earful from my brother. The whole night, he needed assistance to and from the toilet. And he would talk and shout and talk. It's so frustrating because I can't guess what he wants. His garbled speech is a matter of frustration to me. And when he can't get what he wants... God. Its a struggle not losing my temper, not shouting back. I'm not perfect.

The dogs are having fleas. Have to find a way to clean them up. Shit. I'm a shitty pet owner. If they're my children... fuck. I suspect Fefanie is pregnant. Should have gotten them neutered and spayed but I didn't have enough money. Can't even get them properly vaccinated. I can hear it now, "Why get pets if you can't even take care of them? Take care of yourself?" Mesti kena marah from  Catherine or Daphne...

Fuck me. Fuck that I don't have emergency money.

I'm sorry dogs. You have a shitty owner.

The car needs servicing. There's a wedding I promised I'd go to, in Kuching. Need to buy tickets. Electricity bill. Phone bill. Medicines for dad. MQA coming in April. Prepare for finals. House in disarray. Overgrowth in the compound. Blocked drains. Lighting fixture. Food and petrol for the rest of the month.

I don't know what to do. I'm working but I barely make ends meet each month. I can't afford a lot of stuff. I can't afford to get hired help, I can't afford to fall sick. My mind's in a spiral. There's a workshop in KL next week. I don't know how I'll make it. Leaving dad like that?

I can't think right now. I'm just writing this to see if I can make sense of any of this.

Can't talk about this with ibi yet. Might get all emotional and cry over the phone. Might fight over the phone.

Cannot give up. Please don't give up. Cherane. I'm sure it's impossible to think of doing further studies right now...

Hold on. Don't give up. Its gonna get better.

Bleak. Uncertain.

1 comment:

Naoko said...

*huggles* Hang in there. The dark days WILL get lighter.