Hopeless, Hope, Hopeful

It’s 2014!

Wow, I'm really sucky at this blog thing huh? -_-''

We’re actually in the middle of re-designing the blog, but like many people we got distracted by work and studies.

I don’t know about you, but 2013 really kicked my butt. The feeling of utter hopelessness was difficult to get through, but the worst part was trying to get back on my feet. I stumbled a lot, up to a point where I just... let things happen. I stopped fighting and became comfortable in the hopelessness.

Thankfully, I'm blessed with people who care about, and are more headstrong than, me. Since they never gave up on me, I managed to crawl out of that darkness.

The tug is always there, especially when I fail at something or when a crisis comes up.

It’s true what people say: challenges appear in waves. It’s also true that no-one hates you better than yourself. Whatever criticism I receive from people due to my mistake or idiocy, I scolded myself worse than them. In short, I stopped caring about myself, or being kind with myself.

I know some people who verbalize the abuse that they hurl onto themselves. I do that too, in private. My mumbling habit comes from this.

I am not proud of myself. I got used to it, and there is a weird comfort from the habit. It’s not very helpful. It doesn't make me productive or happy. But the anger or negativity inside will bubble out, and I do feel relieved after it happens.

And then the whole cycle happens again. I feel like a glob of despair when this happens.

I hope to overcome this. So far, it’s under control. Positive thinking, achievable goals, happy environment, loving friends and family: they all help.

Anyway, I hope you’re healthy and well! I changed my hairstyle last Christmas, so now my looks like this.

…wait, no. That’s not right. This is how I look like.

I have a squat nose, so my glasses will always slide down. XD

I hate having hair tickle my forehead (or worse, my eyes!). I'm the kind of person who rubs their eyes like I'm trying to dig my eyeballs out. That's why the aunty ponytail.

I accomplished one thing last year, though. It’s a very big thing for me.
I overcame my fear of driving.

I can drive now, but since I'm still new on the road I always squint my eyes and furrow my eyebrows. I guess by the end of the year, I’ll have new lines on my face.

I still hate driving, though. I still haven’t displayed any signs of road rage, and some of my passengers actually complimented on the way I drive. So I guess I'm not as bad as I thought.

I actually got my driver’s license right after SPM. Either to celebrate me finishing the exam, or just to see how well I drove, my mother asked me to drive her somewhere. Mid-drive, the car died at a junction. That’s when my mum started scolding and shouting at me. I managed to restart the car and drive a little… and again the car died. Mum got fed up and took over the driving.

It was painful going home. I went quiet. I just gave up because my ears were so full of my mom’s strong words. I didn't even feel like going anywhere. Dad found out, and managed to coax me to drive again, this time with him. He was quiet the whole way and when we reached our destination, he told me I did good and that my driving was okay. I never believed him. I never drove after that.

I once broke down and cried behind the wheel. My brother once left the car double-parked while he went off to pay the bills, with me waiting in the car. A car was coming out, so the driver asked me to move our car. This was before handphones were as commonplace as mineral water, so I couldn't call my brother. I did manage to eventually move the car a bit without incident, but it was enough to send me crying.

A while after that… I got into an accident. I was the passenger of a bus that crashed into a lorry. I survived with a few stitches. But the taxi driver who was driving his taxi near the lorry didn't make it. I had never seen so much damage made onto a human being before. I really didn't want to drive at all after that.

And yet, after 8 years, I finally drove again. It’s not much in the grand scheme of things, but really I'm kinda happy that I managed.

Ah! So much rambling! You probably came here for some fun and lulz. This is just kind of an update though, but I do have a bunch of pictures for you guys to see.

Recently, there was a crisis of sorts that made me question everything. God, fate, love. For those who know me, this wouldn't really surprise you. I do this a lot. Their reaction to this would probably be somewhere around the vicinity of “Ah, again?”

I think you do this too. Maybe you don’t verbalize it, but you think about things of this nature. Thing is, the death of a friend’s baby and witnessing another friend’s breakup will definitely make people question many things.

If I think this is unfair, then what is fair?
If this is just a trial, then why is it so cruel?
Is love truly out there?

Around this time, I was working on orders in Fiverr. Fiverr is a website where you can order all kinds of services (called gigs) starting from US$5. I happen to offer my services for sale there. (Shameless plug hey hey!) And this is where I got some questions answered.

For Valentine’s Day, I offered a gig for where I would draw a cartoon portrait for couples. It ended up being one of the crazier ideas I thought up, because the orders came in fast and furious, from all over the world! I think I probably ended up making around 30 drawings over four days. Crazy, I know!

For each order, I asked for the buyer to give me descriptions to help me create the drawing. What I got instead were cute, intimate love stories.

Each one of them touched my heart.

 Some of them were funny.

Some were romantic.

Some were sweet.

I'm sorry I can’t tell you their stories. They are personal stories, after all. But I hope I managed to express their love through my childish drawings.

   

  

I wish them love always and forever.

I hope you enjoyed today’s post. See you this weekend!

P.S: if you’re interested in my gigs and want to have a drawing of your own, just head on over to my Fiverr page!